2003 Shepherds' Conference, A Ministry of Grace Community Church 818.909.5530. © 2003 All Rights Reserved. Grace Community Church. A CD, MP3, or tape cassette copy of this session can be obtained by going to www.shepherdsconference.org
Till Death Do Us Part
A Biblical Look at Divorce and Remarriage
by
Bill Shannon
Seminar Session #1020
A. Problems Today
Gentlemen, if I were to ask you the question, “What is the percentage of divorce in your area?” Most of you will probably say, among non-Christians: 50%, right? If I was to ask you what is the divorce rate for Christians, what would it be? 50%? Well, that's the statistics that have come out. When I was asked to and when I actually chose to do this, I thought I'd go and check out the statistics. And so I went on truthorfiction.com. And I found some divorce statistics. And hopefully, gentlemen, you can see what our society tries to do—they inflate divorce. Why does society inflate divorce or the numbers of people that get divorced? So people don't get married; they cohabitate and everything is justified because then they don't have a divorce. But here are some statistics—some real statistics. This is a fascinating piece of misinformation that is so respected that it is quoted without arbitration by some of the best authors, broadcasters and writers. Marriage is a lot of hard work and people are putting that work into it and don't need to be discouraged with the untrue burden that hangs over their head: that their relationship is doomed to not survived by the chance of 50%. The error has resulted from various misreadings of the statistics. I'm going to give you some of those here.
One is to compare the number of marriages in a given year to the number of divorces in a given year. It is true that in any given year there are twice as many marriages as divorces. If in your state or your county there were 100 marriages last year, there were 50 divorces—it would seem at first glance. That would be half of the marriages were ending in divorce. But that figure does not take into account all the marriages that already existed in a year in which there are 100 marriages and 50 divorces, for example, there have already been 1,000 marriages—other marriages—that already existed. That's an entirely different picture and means that only 5% of the marriages ended in divorce, not 50%, using those figures. Of course, if that continues to happen year after year, the overall numbers and the impact of divorces will begin to number the same as marriages.
Veteran pollster Louis Harris says that “only”—listen to this—“11-12% of people who have ever been married have ever been divorced. That's a big difference from 50% which we hear all the time. George Barna who is a professional surveyor, Christian in emphasis, did a survey. He found that 34% of adults who had ever been married had experienced divorce. And then he realized after he took his survey that 33% of Christians were divorced. Now I would just suggest we go back and we take a look at those figures once again to find out where the truth lies in those figures. When he looked at born again Christians, this is what he said was a born again Christian. “Born again Christians are just as likely to get divorced as non-born again adults. Overall, 33% of all born again individuals who have been married have gone through a divorce, which is statistically identical to the 34% incidents among non-born again adults.
However, if you go to his definition of what a born again Christian is—which I went to that survey and found that out—this is what a born again Christian is: Born again Christians are not defined on the basis of characterizing them as born again, but based upon their answer of two questions. These are the two questions: “Have you ever made a personal commitment to Jesus Christ that is still important in your life today?” That's the first question. If the respondents said yes, then they are asked a follow-up question about life after death. One of the seven perspectives a respondent may choose is: “When I die I will go to heaven because I have confessed my sins and have accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.” Individuals who say “yes” to the first question and select this statement as their belief about their salvation are then categorized as “born again.” In that survey this is what those born again Christians believe. This is where you find out whether they're truly born again or not. By the way, Barna Research Group says that 41% of Americans are born again. Forty-one percent of Americans are born again. I wonder if 40% of the people who attend church are born again. Eighty-five percent believe—this is the same survey—believe the Bible is totally accurate in all of its teachings. Seventy-six percent believe they personally have a responsibility to tell others about their religious beliefs. Forty-five percent agree that Satan is not a living being, but is a symbol of evil. So 55% believe that he's real. Thirty-four percent believe that if a person is good enough they can earn a place in heaven. So, you can earn your way to heaven if you are good enough. And it goes on and on and on to define what born again means. For me, anyway, that I can understand that, that it's not just “you think you're going to heaven, but whether you really are or not.”
I have a short article here just to sort of warm you up to the whole issue of being divorced. This is a Christian music person. I'm going to use her name as “Mary.” I'm not going to give who it is. Mary and another Christian music person—let's call him “Bob”—both had to dispose of existing marriages before their nuptials, their latest nuptials, could take place. The couple was married earlier this year in an outdoor service with an intimate gathering of friends and family. The cake was perfect. Mary's theology of marriage was not. Mary said she recognized that God hates divorce but she also realized a more personal and freeing truth. In August 1998, after going to what she calls tons of marital counseling, she went to the pastor with whom she had sought guidance and to her then-husband—let's call his name “George”—and told them, “I believe and trust that I've been released from this marriage. And I say that knowing that even the Bible says the heart is deceitful.” She further explained how she knew that it was God's will and “to the very best of my level of peace, I had a very settled unshakable feeling about the path that I was going to follow.” Some advice from another counselor added to her blessed assurance. Mary recalled her counselor's words. He said this: “Mary, God made marriage for people. He didn't make people for marriage. He provided this so that people could enjoy each other to the fullest. I say that if you have two people that are not thriving healthfully in a situation, I say remove the marriage.” A fine counselor, don't you think? One who views marriage as a life-enhancement or mere adornment or utility rather than a sacred institution to be honored and worked at. And that happens in the church today.
What is divorce?
(I will be giving out the notes. We'll have them up here for you when we're
finished. You can have all of my notes. They've been revised in the last four
weeks but I wanted you to be able to follow this.)
God said in Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” God instituted marriage. God puts a man and a woman together in marriage. And what God has joined together—and in every marriage that I've ever performed—no man should put asunder. I say that every single marriage that I perform.
Marriage is a covenant of companionship. Marriage was provided by God to provide companionship. Genesis 2:18, God saw that man was alone and he needed a companion. And so Eve was created out of the rib of Adam. The man was alone and it was not good. God didn't pronounce creation good until after.
The divorce, then, is the repudiation—it is the breaking—of that covenant agreement in which both parties promised to provide for companionship, in all its ramifications for one another. The word for divorce in the Old Testament that occurs in the phrase “bill of divorce”—it's found in Deuteronomy 24, Isaiah 50:1, and Jeremiah 3:8—means to “cut off”. The most prominent New Testament word apoluo means to “loose from, to put from, to put away, to send, to release or to dismiss.” Now there is a controversy with Old Testament and New Testament interpreters as to what some of those Hebrew and those Greek words individually actually mean in the context in which they're found. Jay Adams said this: “What we must keep in mind, though, that the context of a passage is always the key to the meaning of a word.” And he used that particular phrase or that sentence that I just said in his book Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible. For those of you who are looking for a more thorough study on this issue—Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible, by Jay Adams is a very good source.
There's another one—Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views. Somebody once said to me, “How could they be Christian if they have four views?” But that's another place that you can look at. Another thing to remember is that when God instituted marriage, divorce was not provided as an option. I'll make this statement, out of Malachi 2:16, “God hates divorce.” And we'll look at Malachi 2:16 later. He hates it because it always involves unfaithfulness to the solemn covenant of marriage that two partners have entered into before Him.
Gentlemen, this is a challenge. And I don't see the men of the Soviet Union here or maybe they could verify this for me, but in the former Soviet Union it was reported that divorce rate among non-believers was very, very high; yet in the evangelical church it is very, very low. Why? When a Russian pastor finds out that a family—a marriage—is having problems, they go over to the home and they do not leave until the problem is settled. You men would be really busy. I know I would be very busy; my wife would never see me. But that's the kind of commitment those men had to solving the kind of problems that are in the church. And there are many. That's what divorce is.
B. The Perspectives of Various Interpreters.
By the way, you get this from that book Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views. It was edited by Wayne House.
1. There's the one view: No divorce, no remarriage.
That's held by Charles Ryrie, Bill Gothard, and Carl Laney. They believe that it is not possible to have a divorce and a remarriage. “Marriage is indissoluble” is their take on that. It's a covenant relationship forever, or until one partner dies.
2. The second view is divorce in some cases but no remarriage.
This is held by John Stott, William Heth, and also by John Piper. They believe in “bone of my bones,” “flesh of my flesh.” It's a kinship view there—one flesh. As a matter of fact, John Piper wrote a paperback in 1986 about his view, gave 11 reasons why he believes in his view. But at the same time, when he issued that, said, that the leadership of Bethlehem Baptist Church did not agree with him in this particular view.
3. This is really the least popular of the views—there's a third view: Divorce and remarriage in wide variety of circumstances.
This is held mainly by liberals. Larry Richards wrote something about this in that book and that God always forgives sins, so you can go and get divorce, you're to be happy, and so it's an option. James Dobson would also say this and he'd say in specific cases of abuse such as emotional, physical and verbal abuse that it would be okay to get a divorce in those situations. Pragmatic churches—they don't want to tell someone something that they wouldn’t want to hear.
I can remember a few years ago, a gentleman who had been in our church went to another church. And he and his wife were there for a little while, and it was more of a pragmatic kind of church. And his wife instituted a divorce against him, or beginning a divorce against him. The church there wouldn't help him. He wanted to keep his marriage together. He desired to keep his marriage together. And so he went to the leadership there, and the leadership there said, “No, no, we don't do anything like that.” He came back here and asked us if we would get involved. And we called up the pastors there. And we went over there to try to work with them and they said, “Sorry but this is not an area of where we want to get involved in a person's life.” That's a pragmatic church. Jay Adams in his book calls that an “un-church.” They're really not a church.
4. Fourth: Divorce and remarriage in very limited circumstances.
This would be the view of the elders of Grace Community Church. As a matter of fact, since I was teaching this, I thought I'd throw it out there to the elders at the last elders' meeting and said, “Does everybody believe in the Elders' Perspective that we hold on marriage and divorce?” And the reason I said that is because somebody once came back to me and said, “All the elders don't agree with you, Bill.” And so I wanted to make sure they all agreed with me and so they did all agree. By the way, for something to become an Elders’ Perspective, all of the elders must agree. It's unanimous. It has to be unanimous.
John MacArthur believes this view, Jay Adams, John Murray, William Luck, Guy Duty, Lorraine Boettner, Thomas Edgar, the Westminster Confession, and most Reformed theologians. This is a divorce because of unrepentant sexual sins—Matthew 19:9. And when the unbeliever leaves, let him leave—1 Corinthians 7:15. One party within the covenant forsakes their covenant obligations, and the other is unable to keep them because they've broken those covenant obligations. In those cases—divorce and remarriage would be permitted. This is from the Elders' Perspective as it was written by the elders a few years ago: “Divorce in the scripture is permitted as an accommodation to man's sin for the protection of the faithful partner by releasing him or her from the oppressive bondage of covenant duties that he or she cannot fulfill.”
Now I say this and I want to give you an
example. There's a lady in our church who came into counseling with me—I don't
know—four or five years ago. And she said to me, “Pastor, my husband hasn't
lived with me for seven years. He's been living with another woman. What can I
do?” When I took her to the scriptures, pointed out what the scriptures have to
say, she said, “But I do not want to divorce my husband.” I said, “Fine, that's
a choice that you can make. And that's your desire.” She waited, seven years she
waited. Her husband came back to her. Her husband left the other woman. They are
now in the church. As a matter of fact, just recently I did a funeral for one of
their relatives. And he is a functioning member of our church. He's repented of
his sin. He had never been a Christian prior to that but he has repented of his
sin and he's come to know Jesus Christ.
Divorce in the scriptures is permitted only because of man's sin. Divorce is
only a concession to man's sin and is not—is not part of God's original plan for
marriage.
Why don't you take out your Bibles? Let's look at what the Word of God has to say. We're going start in the Old Testament. And we're going to start in Deuteronomy. Deuteronomy 24:1-4, “1When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, 2and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's wife, 3and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.”
Divorce itself is not condemned here. It could easily have been condemned but it was not condemned; it was regulated. It was regulated. In this passage it is viewed as a fait accompli. It's being done. It's happening, so there's a regulation rather than a forbidding of divorce here. At the same time this does not imply that God blinks at divorce. We're not saying that. God does not blink at divorce. There is no command to divorce here. Moses just mentions the process one is to take. He writes her a bill of divorce and he hands it to her. Marriage is not indissoluble. That view doesn't work. There's a former husband that doesn't equal her husband now and so marriage is able to happen, and it even says it right here. “Indecency in her”—what is that? The Hebrew word erwath dabar, it means “a nakedness of a thing.” It's two Hebrew words, which literally mean “a matter of nakedness.” It has to be short of adultery, though, doesn't it? Because if it was adultery, in the Old Testament, what would happen? She would be stoned, or he would be stoned if it was a “he.” There's something indecent; there's something shameful. There's some kind of an indecency here. It seems to mean something indecent, disgusting, or repulsive. It's habitual indulgent of some kind of a sexual sin just short of adultery. We know it wasn't internet pornography but we don't know exactly what it was. John Murray says—this is what he says—“There is no evidence to show that erwath dabar refers to adultery or an act of sexual uncleanness. We may conclude that if erwath dabar means some indecency or impropriety.”
If you turn back one page or, for me it's one page, Deuteronomy 23:14, that same word—that same Hebrew—that same two Hebrew words are used there, “Since the LORD your God walks in the midst of your camp to deliver you and to defeat your enemies before you, before your camp, therefore your camp must be holy, and He must not see anything indecent—same word—among you or He will turn away from you. It's something that's repulsive. It's some kind of repugnancy there—don't know exactly what it is. So rather than divorce being condemned there, divorce is regulated.
Now you could go to Ezra chapters 9 and 10. As a matter of fact, if you want to go to Ezra chapter 10, here we find the Israelites returning from their first deportation to the land of Israel. Ezra reads the law, and it says that they cannot marry foreign wives. Remember, he opened up the law and this is the first time that they're seeing the law in years. And they see that they're not to marry foreign wives. What had they done? They had married foreign wives. There's a need here for wholesale national repentance. And what God tells them to do is to divorce their foreign wives. God tells them to divorce their foreign wives. To divorce because they had intermarriage with other religions, not other ethnic groups, but they were other religions. This is a unique, and it's a special moment in history. This will not be repeated. In other words, somebody at your church couldn't come to you and say, “Look I married an unbeliever and now I need to get rid of them because God says it's an unclean thing.” Some people may try to do that, but they can't use that. This is unique. And in Ezra 10:2-3, God sanctions the divorce and says to divorce them in order to have the nation of Israel purified. This is a legal divorce then. They weren't marrying Jewish women; they were marrying illegal women.
So there're two possibilities here, or two alternatives: Allow the nation to remain defiled through mixed marriages. And this would have been according to what God is saying here—a greater evil, since the intermarriages would have polluted the chosen people. And He didn't want the chosen people polluted. And so, the other alternative is to purify the nation by commanding divorce to dissolve this forbidden union and to preserve the generation from idolatry. This would display a renewed heart of the people to follow God's law and to obey and to seek the mercy of their sovereign God. That's number two. I should've put that up there but, well, turn to Jeremiah 3.
Jeremiah 3, where we would see divorce once again in the Old Testament. This time it's a different kind of divorce but basically the same in scope. “Then the Lord,” starting in verse 6: “Then the LORD said to me in the days of Josiah the king, ‘Have you seen what unfaithfulness Israel did? She went up on the high hill and under every green tree, and she was a harlot there.’” A harlot being somebody of adulterous nature. “I thought, ‘After she has done all these things she will return to Me’”—this is God speaking—“but she did not return, and her treacherous sister Judah saw it. And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce”—God handed a writ of divorce. “Yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot.” “Because of the lightness of her harlotry, she polluted the land and committed adultery with stones and trees.”
The divorce here—by God—against the Hebrew people was for sexual sin. A faithless nation was divorced by God. This is sort of the context from Matthew 5 and 19, which we'll get to in a minute. It's not always of sin to be involved in a divorce. You can sometimes be the innocent party of a divorce. There is and this is where the idea of the innocent comes from: God was involved in the divorce. So if it was sin to get a divorce, then God sinned. Don't think so. Involvement in and initiating a divorce is sometimes encouraged with unrepentant sexual sin. When there is an unrepentant sexual sin, that [divorce] sometimes can be encouraged. God was unable to keep His side of the covenant because Israel forsook her side. The implication here is that God didn't want this divorce but because the other party didn't keep their vow, God divorced them.
Turn with me to the last Old Testament scripture, Malachi, chapter 2. Malachi 2:13-16, “13This is another thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. 14”Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously.” By the way, the context of this is the older men—older Hebrew men—were divorcing their older Hebrew wives to marry younger Hebrew wives. They wanted younger women, it’s much like what's happening today. “Though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.” Verse 16, which we'll talk about in a little more detail, “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts.
The covenant-breaking is condemned. The context of Malachi, as I mentioned, is the older men wanting to divorce their younger wives. God hates divorce. Does He really? Is that what the scripture is really saying? Some have said that because of the Hebrew pointing, that's the way some people have translated it, obviously, in the New American Standard. Anybody here have the English Standard Version? The new Bible by Crossway. One. One out of all of you. Okay, before they translated that particular verse—and he's smiling because he knows where I'm going with this—in 1939 there was a translation of the Bible that translated that verse this way. What happened is instead of it being the third person, it's a first person. So listen to this: “‘For the one who hates in divorces,’ says the LORD, God of Israel, ‘covers his clothing with violence,’ says the LORD of hosts.’” It's a different way. This is a complete Bible. It's an American translation from 1939. The Crossway translation, the English Standard Version, which is an excellent translation and is used, beginning to be used, more and more. It says this: “For the man who hates in divorces, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garments with violence, says the LORD of hosts.” So doesn't say that God hates divorce there. But we know God hates sin. So it doesn't say, “Well, now everybody can get divorce.” That's not what we're saying. But that verse doesn't say that. God still hates divorce in the sense that it's sin as He hates all sin. So I just want to make sure you heard that.
New Testament, Matthew chapter 5. Matthew chapter 5. This is verses 31 and 32: “31It was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce'; 32but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
What's Jesus’ point here? The law of God was much more demanding than the Jewish tradition had made it out to be. In the Jewish tradition they were supposed to go through all of that, but at this time in Israel men were divorcing their wives for things like burning the toast, or for not being well-kept, or for putting on too much weight. They would divorce them for anything. And the Lord here is saying there is only one reason. The exception clause applies to both a divorce and the remarriage here. If they're divorced for unchastity, then remarriage is not adultery. That's what this is saying. Everyone agrees Jesus was saying that, except that in one type of situation, where divorce and remarriage are sinful. When you are divorced for unchastity or if you have a divorce because of someone committing adultery, then you can be remarried. But if it's not for unchastity, you cannot be—or for any other reason—you cannot be remarried.
Unchastity is unrepentant sexual sin, as understood by the Jews. Some folks have said this refers to the betrothal period. Cannot refer to betrothal period or the betrothal context; adultery is a term and a reference only to those who are married. Some say the word adultery is used by Jesus for those who are not married anymore so it does mean marriage is indissoluble; that is not what it's saying here.
Sexual sin does not break the marriage bond. I have had situations where I have counseled with folks where sexual sin was involved in their relationship. A woman once left her husband, and the husband came to my office, and he said, “Pastor, I want my wife back. She left me. She's living with another man. But I want her back.” He was at my door for about three weeks almost every day. “Pastor, I want my wife back.” And eventually we found out a phone number and we started calling her. Eventually she repented of her sin. And “Hosea,” that's what we'll use as his name, took her back. Even though she had been involved, the sexual sin did not—does not—make a divorce. What makes a divorce is divorce. He took her back. Four weeks later we found out she's pregnant with the other man's child. “Pastor, I still want my wife.” And he stayed married to her and about five weeks ago I was teaching and their son was sitting there with them. That happens. Those are good things that happen, that you can see God's working in a man's heart even though there was sin there. Sexual sin is the thing that occasions the divorce, but they are not synonymous. The divorce breaks the marriage bond. That's what breaks the marriage bond.
Let's look at Matthew chapter 19. And I know that you have tons of questions. I was already handed a question before I even got started. And I was asked four questions before I even got started. So I'll take as many as we can and try to work through them with you. Matthew chapter 19, verses 3 through 10. We're not going all the way through 12. We're just going to go three through ten: “Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?' “Make sure you keep that question in mind, because that's the question that Jesus is going to answer. He’s not going to answer some other questions. He’s going to answer that question.
And He said to them, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” 7They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Remember His answer to that question: “and He said to them: ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it was not that way’”—or it has not been that way. “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”
And it could be that that's why a lot of singles are around today. Do you have a lot of singles in your ministry? It seems like there's a lot of singles around. They probably have read that: “It is better not to marry”—Just that portion of the scripture.
Is it lawful to divorce for any cause at all? No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. This is a twisted version of what Moses said in Deuteronomy 24. Moses never commanded divorce. Jesus' response to the questions: Is it lawful for a man to divorce for any reason at all? Can you divorce because of abuse? Can you divorce because they don't love you anymore? Can you divorce because you're no longer compatible? No. This is not a command, but it's a regulation. Clearly divorce is an accommodation to man's sin that violates God's original purpose for the intimate unity and the permanence of the marriage bond. Legal divorce was a concession for the faithful partner due to the sexual sin of the sinning partner so that the faithful partner was no longer bound to the marriage. Although Jesus did say that divorce is permitted in some situations, we must remember that His primary point in this discourse is to correct the Jews' idea that they could divorce one another for any cause at all--that's what they thought, that's what they practiced, that's what they did—and to show them the gravity of pursuing a sinful divorce because of sexual sin, porneia is a word that's used there.
The New Testament allows for divorce. Porneia is a general term that encompasses sexual sins such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. Some folks want it to be extended to other things within that range. And I think that can only come with wisdom as you think through that. With a high instance of pornography in men's lives, how far do we go? But the word pornography or porneia means adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. When one partner violates the unity and the intimacy of a marriage by sexual sins and forsakes his or her covenant obligation, the faithful partner is placed in an extremely difficult situation. [It] could be like that lady who for seven years knew that her husband was living with another woman and she continued to be faithful to her husband; that she desired to do that. You can do that. But at same time, that same woman could have, if she wanted to, according to the words of Jesus Christ, divorced her husband and remarried. After all means are exhausted to bring the sinning partner to repentance, the Bible permits release for the faithful partner through divorce. And I've got to tell you all means need to be taken. When we've had these kinds of situations here, it's taken months and months and months of calling a person to repentance, of church discipline if that's involved in it, and all kinds of things to try to bring that person back.
In answer to the disciples' question, Jesus explained that God allowed Moses to “permit” divorce only because of His people's hardness of heart, and that it was permissible only in the case of adultery. Verse 9 says this: “And I say to you whoever divorces his wife except for immorality and marries another woman commits adultery.” Jesus states that the one who divorces his wife, divorces for some other reason than immorality—that is, porneia—then he is in sin. He is committing adultery if he gets married again. The verse then says that the one who remarries for other than immoral reasons commits adultery. This is the real exception that allows for genuine divorce so that the person may marry another. Thomas Edgar, in that book that I mentioned before Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views, said this: “The exception clause stating that divorce for adultery and subsequent remarriage are proper is Jesus' definitive statement on this issue, showing a desired spiritual attitude toward divorce and remarriage. Although Jesus does not require divorce in such a case, He indicates that it is perfectly proper and without stigma on the part of the innocent party.” That has implications for future leadership, deacons, deaconess, elders, pastors, all of those kinds of things.
Mark 10 and Luke 16:18.
Before you ask the question, I thought I'd answer it. The question would be: Why
do they not mention the exception clause? You have two other gospel accounts;
why don't they mention the exception clause? Neither passage contains the
question that was discussed in Matthew 19:3. Christ's purpose was the same as
above to make a polemic point that you should not divorce, contrary to what you
are thinking. Since the question wasn't asked, there is no qualifier necessary
to say what the one exception is. And some people may want to say, “Well, why
don't those scriptures have it?” Because the question was never asked. The
exception clause is only in Matthew, in Matthew 5.
This is from John MacArthur; this is a quote from him: “In Matthew 5 and 19 it
was necessary to include the clause, not as an addition to God's law, but to
reaffirm the original and correct the Pharisees' misrepresentation of God's law
regarding adultery. Frequently in the New Testament general statements are made
that could in their immediate context be taken as absolute. But when seen in the
broader context of full revelation, they are recognized as an element within a
larger sphere of truth. The exception clause, providing divorce on the ground of
adultery fits into this body of truth.” And that was from John MacArthur's book
called
The Family.
Now there is one other reason, one other way, or one other possibility of a divorce and that's found in 1 Corinthians, chapter 7. Why don't you turn there? 1 Corinthians, chapter 7. This is the most extensive passage in all of scripture on divorce and remarriage. I would believe that Paul could have within this text here said, “No divorce, no remarriage.” He could have, but he did not. At this time in Paul's day, there was an average of six marriages for each male. They would get married six times. By the way, this is the second reason permitting a divorce, where an unbelieving mate does not desire to live with his or her spouse and they leave. Let's just read verses 12 through 15, and then we'll go back into the whole context. “12But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.” Underline that—“not divorce her.” “13And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.”
Now the context of this starts in verse 1. And the context there is about the marriage bed. It's telling the man that his body isn't his—it's his wife's. And the wife, your body isn't yours—it's your husband. You should not deprive one another but you should come together to fulfill that sexual satisfaction. You should not be depriving one another, because if you do deprive one another, it could lead to temptation and to sexual sin. Verse 8, it says to the unmarried, “I say to the unmarried,” and there it's impossible, impossible not to include divorced people. The word that's used there is for virgins, for widows and for those who are divorced. Agamos is the word, and so it includes them also.
In verses 10 and 11 both partners of the marriage in view here are Christians. Let's read that verse because it does tell us these are Christians. “And to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.” And then, of course, in verses 12 through 15 it changes—that if they leave, let them leave.
Verse 11 in the case of believers seeking or having already received an unbiblical divorce, they are instructed to remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to their husband. If a Christian does divorce another Christian except for adultery, neither partner is free to marry another. That's very important. If a Christian does divorce another Christian, except for adultery, neither partner is free to marry another. They must stay single. Or they must rejoin their former mate. That is from First Corinthians Commentary by John MacArthur.
But verses 12 through 15 is talking about mixed marriages—a believer and unbeliever. Verse 14 gives the reason to stay in the marriage: it fulfills covenant obligations, possibility of even seeing your spouse get saved or your children get saved. Verse 15, in God's sight the covenant between a man and a woman is disbanded by adultery, by death, or by an unbeliever leaving. These are the only cases in which a Christian can legitimately be remarried. Verse 15, they are not bound to marital obligations, because God has called us to peace. Divorce is allowed, and may be preferable in such situations. When an unbeliever desires to leave, trying to keep him or her in the marriage might only create greater tension, conflict, and such.
Sometimes one partner cannot keep his side of the covenant because the other partner has forsaken it through unrepentant sexual sin or desertion. Divorce was a concession for the faithful partner due to abandonment by the sinning partner so that the faithful partner was no longer bound to the marriage—1 Corinthians 7.
Now some may say, “Why haven't you used Romans chapter 7:1-7?” Well, why don't we look there? We don't consider that and you can read through it. We don't consider that since it uses marriage as an illustration of how Christ's death releases the believer from the justification of the Mosaic Law. It does not mention, or there is no mention there of divorce.
Now in the papers that I have, and we can hand these out in the end, I make eight proposals. And I'm just going to let you read through those eight proposals and you can have that paper obviously. It's also on the disk that you were handed. But these are the eight proposals about sexual immorality, and about if one partner leaves, and about trying to achieve reconciliation in the marriage, and those kinds of things.
Now I'd like to get to some of the
questions. One of the questions that was asked of me:
“Do you feel a man should be a pastor if his wife had a biblical divorce in
her past?” Probably the one huge, the one critical question that's always
asked of any man that goes out to find a pastorate: “Have you or your wife been
divorced?” I have had some friends who have had divorces in their background
before they came to know Christ. And they're asked that question and it's very
difficult for them to get placed because most churches don't want to do that,
but there is not a biblical reason not to allow them to be in leadership.
There's no biblical reason to not allow that person to be in leadership. Is it
difficult for that person to get a position? Yes, but it's not an impossibility.
So I believe that a pastor who is married, and his wife had a biblical divorce
in the past, he could be pastor. He could be a church leader; he could be an
elder; he could be the chairman of the deacon board, whatever it may be. But
I've got to tell you, there're very few churches that will see that happen. Now
some people will go to 1 Timothy 3 and say, “But you're supposed to be the
husband of one wife.” Well, single people could be in leadership. Can't they be
elders? And so if single people could, so if you have married, so it doesn't
mean that you have to have a marriage and it can only be once. That's not what
that means.
So those are just some of the questions. Are there any other questions [that you] would like to ask? Yes, stand up, and I will try to repeat it if I can hear it.
Question: Suppose you have a married couple in your church and one had a divorce that was not for adulterous reasons. Is it still considered adultery now, that they have been married for a while?
Answer: There are some questions to ask here: When she got divorced the first time, was she a believer? Okay, well, you see that's why you have to have those specifics. If it was a believer and they divorced, it was an unbiblical divorce; hopefully the church did something about it. If she stayed in the same church and then they let her go get remarried, there's a whole lot of implications here that the church is not a church. It's not shepherding its flock. But they would want to get involved with this gal. Let's say a gal came into our congregation and she wanted to marry somebody. We have that all the time. And they've been previously divorced. They sit down with a pastor. We try to understand from what they're saying whether it was a biblical divorce or not, was it pre-Christ or not. All of those kinds of things have to be asked. Was that person a believer? Were they not a believer? All of those things need to be known before we can really give an answer.
Q: They were believers when they got a divorce, but now they have been married for a long time and have repented of that divorce. Would you seek to absolve that marriage because of the adultery?
A: Once they're married, now they've divorced, now they're remarried. They married a believer. They're in your church. The scripture says that they're committing adultery. Obviously you're not going to tell them, “Oh, go get divorced again to make this right.” Right? That would be the alternative, right? So you're not going to tell them that. You're going to tell them, “Repent of what you've done and then go live your life.”
Q: So if they decided to divorce and the one goes back to their former spouse—would that be forbidden in the sight of God?
A: That is forbidden in the sight of God, in this sense, all sin is forbidden in the sight of God. We shouldn't be sinning any sin, right? “The wages of sin is death.” And that's the pronouncement we should have each time we sin, and the same thing with this. But once they've done it, you can't undo it. You can't say, “Well, why don't you get divorced, and you go over here then you go over there, and we'll try to get you back to the other partner because then even Deuteronomy would say, “Don't do that.”
Q: I can see it both ways. I see some people are saying 2 Corinthians 5:17 that they're a new creation in Christ, but I also see Deuteronomy 30 that basically says a marriage vow is a marriage vow, whether you're a believer or not. The Bible does not differentiate that (if you're an unbeliever and you make a vow then that doesn't count, but if you're a believer then it does count). A vow is a vow. And it's the holiness of a vow. That's what the Bible teaches. So you kind of have those two things going against each other, you have a new creation in Christ that might be used as a proof text to say that you can get remarried if the divorce occurred before your conversion. Then you have all the biblical teaching on the permanency of the vows.
A: And I say that with a caveat that they can't get remarried to their former partner if they're an unbeliever. The question is, and I can't repeat all of it, but he's saying that there's sort of an incongruity here. The caveat in that is that you cannot marry an unbeliever, would everybody agree with that? You shouldn't marry an unbeliever. So the situation he was giving me here was two believers and it wasn't an unbeliever. You cannot go back to an unbeliever and remarry them. If they get saved, you could marry them. So I think that solves [it].
Q: No, not really. That's an unbiblical divorce. You have a “burnt toast” divorce in Ohio and the person's not a Christian. They come to Grace Community and they say, “I want to marry my secretary.” And you say, “What was the cause of your divorce?” And they say, “Well, I just didn't like my wife. So there's no biblical divorce.
A: Well, what we would do is say, “Is that former person a believer now?
Q: No.
A: Okay, they're not. Well, you can't marry an unbeliever.
Q: Well, what if that former person got married to someone else and is a believer.
A: You're free to get married.
Q: Really?
A: Yes, it's—you just can't go marry an unbeliever. That's the first thing that you can't do.
Q: What if you remain unmarried?
A: You could. I mean that could be a choice—to remain unmarried.
Q: Well, I'm saying should the church impose that choice?
A: No, I don't think so. I don't think that's the church's choice to impose that upon them. If they're now a believer, a new creature in Christ, then if they want to get married, they can get married at that point.
Q: What do you do in the case of abuse? Let’s say that we got either a wife being abused by her husband and now looking at a divorce, or you got a wife who already divorced her husband because of abuse and now wants to get remarried?
A: Okay, we have two situations there. What about the question of abuse? What do you do for that? What we do is we get involved in the situation. Let's say it's two believers, okay, and you get involved in confronting the man—number one. Number two is you invoked Romans 13 and you get the law involved in it. Because a man shouldn't be touching his wife in that way. He shouldn't be beating her and so you have her report him to the police. And then the police begin to deal with it. And while he's incarcerated you begin to present the gospel to him if he needs to get saved. And if he is saved, then you present to him how he needs to change and to become more like Christ, and to give up that beating, and stuff. But it's not a reason to get divorced. It's not okay to get divorced because of being abused in any way.
Q: So I am assuming if she already divorced him that she couldn’t get remarried?
A: We would not say, if they did get a divorce—if she did divorce him—and they were believers, okay, she can't go and marry another.
Q: You got a man who's an unbeliever, married a woman who professed to be a believer. She deserted him, to the point of desertion on the very day he submitted his life to Christ. They never reconciled the marriage by any means. She had made up her mind. Deserted him; never looked back. As he had grown in the Lord, he confesses that in their five years of marriage that she, despite her confession, outside of the church's attendance has no evidence of truly being redeemed. She has had no contact for four years. Now, since then, he's found a young lady who is a believer, but feels bound. The question for tonight is it tentative to take a step without knowing definitively whether or not he's free. He believes himself to be free based on 1 Corinthians 7. However, because of the profession... How do you deal with that?
Q: What I would do, if I was involved with him, is I would call the “ex.” And I can't repeat all of that for the tape so, sorry. But there's an “ex” somewhere who professed faith at one point, they're no longer walking with the Lord, some people would say backslidden, there's no signs of any faith. Then I would have one of the leaders get in touch with that person. Now that can become very difficult. They may be very bitter. They may be very angry. And you try to find out whether they are a believer or not. If they are a believer—they're truly a believer—he cannot remarry. He cannot remarry. If she's not a believer, then he is free then to marry. Okay?
Q: Does that have anything to do with discernment?
A: Discernment on the part of the leadership to find out whether that person is really a believer. And that, you know, that's going to be difficult.
Q: Now there was a certain amount of counseling prior to the divorce. Since then he has contacted who their pastor was. Their pastor felt that it was based on Scripture.
A: That [she] was an unbeliever? So at least you got one side, and that's good. I will still go the next step and call her if they could. Contact her now and find out what does she think. You know, what has her life been since she left him. And just try to get some understanding there.
Q: You had mentioned that there is no biblical reason that a pastor who has a wife who had a biblical divorce in the past could not been in pastorate?
A: Right.
Q: Would you view that differently, for example, if you were in a very small community and the divorced involved unbelievers. And most of that small town had not known it was a biblical divorce. How would the qualification “be blameless” come into play ther?
A: Question is, that in a small town where you have this divorce happen and it's known widely. I think the “above reproach” of 1Timothy 3 takes precedence there. And I think that above reproach sort of shines some light that maybe this is not a good thing to do in that community. But you could go to another community and be a leader in a church. But in that one, you know, then you're bringing a reproach against the name of Christ on that, or it could be. You know, I mean, we don't even know, I don't even know how people know, they don't even care, but that's something to keep in mind. Yes, sir
Q: In the case of two persons pursuing a non-adulterous cause of divorce in that community, is it the policy of Grace Community to exercise discipline against the pursuer of divorce to the extent that they will be declared a non-believer?
A: Well, actually, they're never declared a non-believer if you look at 1 Corinthians 5:5. A person who's put out of the church is not really declared a non-believer. What does it say?
Q: Matthew 18.
A: Yes, Matthew 18. But look at 1 Corinthians 5. It says there, “I have delivered,” so this is the man who had incestuous activities with his, probably stepmother—I'm going to guess. “I have decided to deliver such one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.” So there's an indication that this person was a Christian, but being put out of the church for their immorality in this area—their unrepentant immorality. So we would pursue church discipline, if I go back to that question. Would we pursue church discipline on the person who is going in the direction of getting a divorce and it not a biblical divorce? Yes, we would. Would we declare them an unbeliever? No. But what we say is when they are put out of the church, they need to be evangelized in the sense that people need to go to them, continue to go to them and try to win them back to Christ cause they are in disobedience to God at that point. Whether they are a believer or an unbeliever, you know, who knows? But you need to go and evangelize them in the sense that you need to give them the gospel so that they repent of their sin.
Q: So you would not declare them an unbeliever?
A: We don't declare them an unbeliever. We just say that they're put out of the church and you need to continue to go to them and give them the gospel for repentance's sake.
Q: You would not classify that as in a desertion situation because, based on Matthew 18 I'm wondering if they're a Gentile or an unbeliever, or are they a believer who's living in disobedience.
A: Well, how do you figure it out? I mean it's going then to be dependent upon their life. What is their life after that? Now there are some Christians who have divorced and decided never to get married again. And therefore they've fulfilled 1 Corinthians 7. I'm not going to get married again, but I'm going to get divorced.
Q: I was divorced as a non-Christian, then became a Christian. My question is, “Could I remarry?
A: Gentleman said he was divorced as a non-Christian, became a Christian, could he remarry? First of all, your ex-wife—did she become a Christian?
Q: She did, and I told her about rekindling the relationship but she chose not to do that. She is now married.
A: Okay, you are free to marry. That's the way I see the scriptures, that you are free to marry, but you have to go and pursue that person that you did divorce to see if they are a Christian—she's already remarried—you can't marry her. You could decide to live single, like somebody else said. You could. But we don't believe that the scriptures impose that upon you: to remain single.
Q: Two unbelievers get divorced. She remains an unbeliever. He becomes a believer. Is he free then to remarry?
A:
Because with the believer—you can go to Deuteronomy 24—it's basically the same
kind of idea that if you remarry after you've been divorced and try to go back
to that same person, you're committing adultery. It's an uncleanness. So yes,
that's the way we would look at that.
Q: It seems that the decision was whether the person was saved or not?
A: Well, the reason the decision is made whether they're saved or not is because you can't join yourself to an unbeliever. And so if they're saved, you can try to rekindle that relationship, as he used it. And if they're an unbeliever, you can't marry an unbeliever, you can't be joined—2 Corinthians 6. I think it's 2 Corinthians 6, that you can't rejoin yourself to them.
Q: I have a current situation in my church. Twelve years ago this man's wife left him and their three children. They were both Christians in the church. She abandoned the relationship and their three children. He remarried. The kids are a lot older now. She's back. And He has now left his wife and taken the first one back. The three children are thrilled—mom's back.
A: He was a believer at what point?
Q: He's been believer all along. She's left the marriage. He abandoned the [second] marriage.
A: And he remarried his ex-wife?
Q: He remarried his ex-wife.
A: Ah, he's in sin—for divorce. Yes. He's in sin for divorce; he's in sin for remarriage.
Q: Well, my staff—we’ve inherited this. He has been disciplined out of the church for leaving his current wife for no fault. His first wife abandoned him for twelve years and was no where to be found.
A: He didn't learn the first time. That is nuts. Yes, you did the right thing doing church discipline on him.
Q: The fleshly tendency is to say that the kids are so happy that mom's back. You know? It's complicated.
A: Mom can be back, but she's back as somebody that visit on the weekend or during the week, you know, whenever that is. But not in the house, not having that husband divorce again.
Q: His argument for the divorce the first time was what could he do--she left. What could he do? He's a man.
A: Oh, I can understand. It was an unbeliever leaving. He can get married. But now he can't go and divorce that second wife to go back to that first wife. That's ridiculous.
Q: [not able to hear the question]
A:
The question is: a person's dad was a pastor. The mother left for no biblical
reason whatsoever and dissolved the marriage at that point. And the pastor,
who's the father here, didn't step down. And he should have. Yes, he should
have. And there are some well-known pastors that should step down because of
that, or at least one that I know of, because that is an abomination. I mean his
household is not in order. And he should do that. Now, having your leadership
come alongside you is important. But the leadership may like that kind of
quality so that when they get divorced they'll have somebody to sort of brush it
off, too. So you know, you'd rather have leadership around you that's going to
challenge you in those areas.
Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "Shepherds'
Conference Collection" by:
Tony Capoccia
Bible Bulletin Board
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