The following "Question" was asked by a member of the congregation at Grace Community Church in Panorama City, California, and "Answered" by their pastor, John MacArthur Jr. It was transcribed from the tape, GC 1301-E, titled "Bible Questions and Answers--Part 7."  A copy of the tape can be obtained by writing, Word of Grace, P.O. Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412 or by dialing toll free 1-800-55-GRACE. Copyright 1976 by John MacArthur Jr., All Rights Reserved.

Question

Answer

For some guys at Grace [Grace Community Church], it’s definitely abnormal! You know, we have this running problem of guys at Grace who won’t date and many lovely young ladies, very frustrated. I see some red ears, you know… Obviously, we’re not Aunt Martha’s Lonely Hearts Club and people don’t come here just to find a mate, although in the process they do. In case you wonder whether anyone does date around here, it seems to be that they do because we marry somewhere between two and four couples a week! So somebody is dating-I don’t think they’re blind weddings, frankly; I think there has been some planning.

And so, you know, it’s not as if it isn’t working out, but I know there is a certain frustration that we’ve talked about in regard to this… So let me give a simple answer if I can.

I think that there is one reason why perhaps our young people in the college department and career and maybe high school too, I don’t know, but perhaps the one reason why they are not as involved in that is the fact that we have a high ideal of marriage, number one. And I think that we’ve tried to teach that-we’ve tried to convey that. We have discipline people who have had their marriage break up and where we felt there was sin, publicly. I think and I hope and pray that our young people have a very high ideal of marriage and they see a tremendously important reality in the commitment of one person to a person of the opposite sex. I think maybe the fruit of all of this has been that they see that thing as such a high and lofty thing that it’s very difficult to treat it as a social occasion-that’s one reason I think.

Secondly, I think we also reject the world’s flippant, self-styled approach to easy-come, easy-go relationships between the sexes. I think that we’re more oriented toward ministry and more oriented toward the spiritual dimension than we are toward the socializing aspect of it. I spoke at a church in this area one time, I spoke to their singles-college and career and all-and they weren’t even interested in what I was saying. That’s hard on me because, you know, I mean, I’m used to being, you know, speaking where people are interested! And I went in there-they were bored to death! They were all sitting there, you know, and just looking at their watches because there was a party going on afterwards! They just wanted to get to the party, see, that’s why they were there. They weren’t a church that was concerned with Bible study and the week before me the speaker was Steve Allen! So, I realized that I was out of my element and I said, “Open your Bibles” and there wasn’t a sound, you know. I mean, there wasn’t a Bible in the place so, you know… There I was doing my little exposition all alone.

So, I don’t think that we are in the situation of seeing ourselves as a social entity, but rather as a group of people in ministry. I would say also that perhaps because we’ve carried this thing a little too far, we tend, when finally somebody does date, we tend to say, “Aha! There’s something going on!” See, you know. “He likes her, hmm, and we’ve got them married before they’ve even, you know, finished their miniature golf.” I mean, two lines of bowling doesn’t constitute engagement….

So, I think there are some reasons, but I would just add that I think that dating is acceptable in our society. It’s not biblical. In the biblical generation, of course, the father and the mother arranged everything and of course that’s the way it ought to be, but we’re trying to work with it. I think that dating can be beneficial because it develops an understanding and a sensitivity to the opposite sex and it helps you to develop a sense of social etiquette, a sense of communication with those of the other sex. God has always designed that a man and a woman would complement each other in terms of filling out needs and so forth and I think a young man can be a great assistance to a young lady and in many ways of complementing her life and broadening his own experience. I think it’s good to teach yourself how to give and how to build up somebody else and how to minister to somebody else. Certainly to be with a person of the opposite sex is to prepare yourself in some sense for the giving that is marriage. To learn how to do that is very important.

So, I think it’s good. I think there ought to be a stimulation in that area, to minister to each other, to learn how to gracefully deal with a person of the opposite sex, to learn how to be sensitive and gentle and to learn how to be responsive and to learn how to give a little to somebody else. It’s easy if all you ever do is spend your time with your own friends to develop a very isolated lifestyle that may wind up making you a difficult person to be married to in the long-run. And after all, if you’re going to be married, you’re going to spend your life giving yourself to someone of the opposite sex; a little practice wouldn’t hurt.

I would also caution that it would be wise if you would make sure you choose your dating very carefully, very carefully. Make sure you find the biblical pattern and follow it. The Bible says a lot about who you pick. When you’re picking a partner, there are several things you ought to remember:

Proverbs 22:1 says, “A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.” Associate with someone with a very good reputation.

Looks reveal character. The Bible talks about a “proud look”; the Bible talks about a “wanton look.” Isaiah 3:9 says, “The show of their appearance does witness against them.” So reputation and appearance…

“Out of the abundance of the heart”-what?-“a mouth speaks.”

I Timothy talks about modesty: “clothes will reveal a vain heart.”

One really great way to tell somebody’s character is to find out who they run around with-who are their friends.

And all of these things ought to come into your choice as you chose someone to be with, to socialize with, and to minister with.

I would also encourage you to date in a group setting and to avoid a situation where you might be tempted to compromise your purity and your Christian testimony. So, I’m for dating! I mean, that’s what I did; I dated my wife and look how it all turned out! You know, fantastic! I thank God for that process because in our life it worked right into the will of God and it can still work that way as it has in many, many of yours.

Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "MacArthur’s Questions and Answers" by:

Tony Capoccia
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