Can you help me to understand what a "quarrelsome" wife means in the Bible (Proverbs 21:9)?  My husband claims I am a "quarrelsome wife" and need to submit to his leadership. Am I supposed to submit to my husband's "Satan side" (lacking a better term)?  Does this "quarrelsome" stuff refer only to women reacting to her unmet needs, or does it have anything at all to do with the man refusing to look in the mirror and thereby cause her to become "quarrelsome"?


Your husband is right and he is wrong...

First, he is right that you need to submit to his leadership, but not as a slave, rather as a helpmate, that is, to help him get through this life raising a family and you two surviving as a husband and wife in this sin-crazed world.

You are to submit to him, even though he may not act like a Christian, nor be one.  You are to submit in all things except sin.  If he requests or ask you to that which is clearly forbidden in the Bible then you are to "lovingly" decline and explain why in a kind manner.  

You are to pour out your love to him even when you don't feel like it, and when you don't get anything in return, just like Christ poured out His love for us sinners, when we couldn't care less.  This means in and out of the bedroom too.  Remember your goal is not your personal satisfaction or rights, but rather to help your husband see Christ in you, so that you may lead him to Christ, or if he is a Christian, then help him to grow into the man that Christ wants him to be, which will be the man you want him to be too.

A "quarrelsome wide" is one who argues and complains about things to the point where she can cause a person to go crazy. He will only get angry and frustrated when you murmur and complain (even though you may be right in your complaints about him).  It is the Lord's task to change him, as you emulate the love and patience of Christ to him.

If you will just love your husband, even though he doesn't deserve it, then he will be overwhelmed, not understanding why you treat him so nice and loving.  He will begin to see a better way to treat others as he watches you.  He knows when he is inconsiderate and selfish, and the Holy Spirit can cause him to feel guilt and repent as he sees Christ reflected in your life.

Now you husband is wrong in the way He treats you.  God is calling all husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, so much so that he gave His life for her. 

If you don't stop quarreling, murmuring, and complaining you will help him destroy your marriage and life.  But you are a Christian and know better in the Word and can save him and your marriage.

Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "Tony Capoccia's Questions and Answers" by:

Tony Capoccia
Bible Bulletin Board
Box 199
Middletown, DE  USA, 19709
Our websites: and
Online since 1986